Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Ladders, oh joyous Ladders!

I have a new ladder. This isn’t just any ladder however. This is a special magic ladder. It is kind of like the equivalent of a Superhero Ladder. If Superheros had alter egos that were inanimate objects, then my ladder would be the Clarke Freaking Kent of ladders, until it broke out into its Superman self of a ladder, that’s how awesome this ladder is. Looking at it all compact and carryable, anyone could easily mistake it for a mild mannered thing that fits in the trunk of an inconspicuous Chrysler Sebring Convertible. You can just look at it and see that its deeply in love with Lois Lane, but get it out on a house, give it a phone booth somewhere and take off his glasses and BAM, My ladder is all stretched out and is getting me on roofs with a little Swagger, a little style.

Look at it, all small, compact, just blending in with the coffee table and my Photo book about Miami. (remember that post?) He has his little safety stickers on his side, his little safety catches underneath. He is writing a bland story about the recent run up in grain prices in his cover job as a reporting ladder. But let truth and justice get sullied, or at least let an insured have some damage to his roof, and VOILA, that bad boy turns into a fourteen and a half foot, Ladder of Steal, or at least some type of metallic Alloy.
Look at it stretched out to 6’10 inches or so, and it has another five rungs I left all closed, just out of shear laziness on my part. This ladder is the BOMB. It’s about Style and it’s about convenience. It’s about more then that though, it’s about all that is good in the world. It’s about building a better mousetrap and me being the guy who has mice, and then I beat your door down because, you made a better mouse trap. You aren’t mad at me for beating down your door though, because you have such pride in your telestep ladder. Mice Fear you, women love you and I climb up on roofs, and when I use you to do that, My chest will be sticking out just a little bit fuller, my climb will have just a little bit more rhythm. This is about all that is good in the world. This is the post about my ladder. My brand new, fresh out of the box, never been climbed on before, ladder. It truly is StuffIthinkIneed which is a lot like Stuffyouthinkyouneed, only from a slightly different perspective.
Here is a photograph of the Ladder Model that came on the box. Ladder modeling is a small niche in modeling, and is often a stepping stone to mice trap modeling. It’s a cut throat world though, and sometimes Ladder Models get invited to Beach Volleyball competitions only so they can put up the net, you know, cause they have a ladder. It can be devastating for the ladder model because he thought he was going to play volleyball with hot chicks, and then all they want him to do is put up the net. Many a ladder model has ended up on the streets after this type of rejection among the modeling world. All homeless, carrying around their ladder, begging for small change.

This is the type of ladder that makes grown men wear Red pants, with Red suspenders and Black shirts. The same grown men will hold a ladder in one hand and waive bye to mice with the other hand, all while smiling the happy smile from the joy and happiness that this ladder brings. Will you look at this Georgia Bulldog loving Ladder model, with his red and black, his goofy grin and his cocksure way about himself? Doesn’t that just bring shear joy to your heart? I know it does me!
Here is the same Georgia Bulldog Ladder Model demonstrating the awesomeness that is this ladder. Look at him as he walks along side the red box with his ladder, then suddenly evil is spotted and in just a few easy steps we have transformed our little easy to carry ladder into a mice killing MACHINE. Look at how Marvelous this thing is!

Unfortunately, shortly after this scene was shot on the side of the box, our Georgia Bulldog ladder model went insane, he was mumbling how regular clothes wearing models don’t take Ladder modeling serious, and then he took some super models hostage. He had them in the second story of his home, mumbling something about the tragedy that Herschell Walker has 7 different personalities. Luckily though… the swat team came prepared.

They had their own ladder and they are using it to fight crime and save supermodels from deranged ladder models dressed in Georgia Bulldog colors. Let this be a lesson for you, ladders are for doing good in the world.
Rick, thank you for the link! www.southfloridadailyblog.blogspot.com
SCG, thank you for the link! www.somecrankyguy.com


scg said...

Ab-so-lute-ly awesome post!
Great writing. Excellent! I wish I wrote it!

Oh, and the ladder is pretty good too.


Brian in Mpls said...

Damn that is an awesome ladder!!

Native Minnow said...

I almost wore my red overalls and black shirt today. How embarrassing would that have been to show up on your blog wearing that when the ladder model was wearing the same thing. I would have had to turn around and leave without ever coming in.

PhoenixHearse said...

By far the coolest ladder I've ever seen...and I even had a really cool ladder that the ex-husband took (damn him!). I can definitely see why you were so anxious to get it.

Do they come in a-frame? Then I would totally buy one to trim my BIG DAMN TREES.

Quin Browne said...

this is almost as cool as the kinda real towels that aren't towels (are you keeping up mr camera man??) that the swimmers use.

i want one of those.

but, i can't remember the name of them.

da lizza said...

bad ass... there was an infomercial around 2002-2003ish with a similar kind of ladder, except, it bent and stuff. and for some reason i felt like every time i came home after a hard night of partying that infomercial with the bendable ladder was on and i'd watch the whole thing (very unusual for me) and i always thought that was a sign. that the bendy ladder should be mine.

but every time someone (including myself) talked me out of it. i wonder about that ladder sometimes.

Bill From Gainesville said...

Scg- Thank you, and double thank you for the link and the metaphor regarding divorce being like pulling a wisdom tooth through your ass.
Brian, So true, it is an AWESOME ladder, I feel grateful to know it.
Minnow. Red Slacks and black shirts is for Old Georgia Bulldog fans only, and should never be worn outside of that, not even for modeling ladders. You however are special, and can always wear whatever you want when you visit my blog
Phoenix, I'm with you on the coolness of that ladder, the fact that I own it makes me cool myself.It can be small and big and it also has a magic aura to it.
Quinn-I have no idea what towels you are talking about, but if they look like towells and then dont act like them, OR if they dont look like towells but then they work to get you dried off, I also want some. Towells with espionage skills are AWESOME to behold
DaLizza- watching InfoMercials while coming home from drinking is actually the third line on my resume!

SwampAngel65 said...

I'm here via Some CRanky Guy's blog...

Damn! That is not something I think I need. It is something I KNOW I NEED!

Nice reading on a slow day at work.

Quin Browne said...

the WOW! towel.

seek, and ye shall find.

Bill From Gainesville said...

Quin- I shal begin my journey in search of the wow towell
SwampAngel65- Thanks and it certainly is some stuff you may think you need. especially if you need to save a supermodel from a ladder model from the second floor.