Monday, June 30, 2008

Looking for the coagulation

Ever since the Judge kicked my ass in my divorce, I have not been able to do much blog writing because my funny ran out on me. Cheating two timing whore of a funny bone.

Just when I need you the most you leave me? The Judge put me on a "funny thinner" Its like paint thinner, it smells kind of funky, and it is ruining all my pictures. I try to dip my brush into the paint, but all the paint has been replaced by the thinner. I forget anyways, and try to put something up on the canvass and it just bleeds it on out. So I know what I need, I need me some coagulation.
I see the funny in glimpses, like when you step out of the tunnel at a Major league ball park. The field is perfectly green, two shades of green, usually. Its always in some kind of a beautiful pattern, checkerboard maybe, or if its Fenway, the two little socks. The Astros have that sun looking thing going on. Its all from the way the greens keepers cut it and tend to it. It just explodes from your vision into your brain and your brain sends it on down into the pours of your skin. That's how I see my funny, only then a dark storm cloud full of "funny thinner" moves in like one of those fast motion cloud Sky's that you see in the movies when the director is trying to show time going on by, and the next thing you know, its raining "funny thinner" on my head.

Here is a glimpse of Bills Funny, metaphorically speaking, See the cool checkerboard pattern?

They say write what you know, except all I know right now is divorce, the fear of failure and being alone, oh yeah, and also that my funny is kind of a slutty whore that will leave you when you need her. Its also evidently a lot like a baseball diamond because if you know the way a field explodes into your senses as you come out into the park from under the bowels of the concession stands, then that's the way I think about my funny, at least when its being faithful to me, and not out whoring. Checkerboard grass at a ball field on a beautiful day is a stunning thing to behold. I don't now why I think of my funny as being a baseball field on a beautiful cool day. Baseball isn't even my favorite sport. I am a casual kind of front running fair weather baseball fan. Hell I watched the college baseball championship game rooting for one Bulldog team and totally got on board with the other Bulldogs in the middle of it. Talk about front running. I was just trying to watch a championship though, as I didn't really care about either of them before that last night.

-Its the old riding the horse thing again as well. If you fall off you are supposed to get right back on. That's some kind of cliche, I know, except my ass is sore, and the fall kind of hurt, and although I want to get back up on the horse, Its kind of like I am the Shaquile O'Neal of jockeys. Just doesn't seem like a big future for Shaquile O'Neal as a jockey. Just like it doesn't seem that after all the effort I put into a fifteen year relationship, and watching it fail so dismally, that the thought of trying again, or that anyone would even want to try with me, well, it just seems so futile. So I have that going for me.

So here is what I do know. Its raining funny thinner, I am searching around for the right combination of umbrella and raincoat, plus my native Indian anti thinner dance moves. I am looking for those moves real bad. It seems like its a beautiful baseball field kind of a thing, but really, its like old time Woody Hayes football, just run it, get the three yards and run it again. Sure we used to have a wide open, spread offense throwing attack of a life, but if you find yourself in the Midwest with big old husky kids and it gets cold, its time to run the ball and play a little smash mouth. So that's what I am doing, getting up and playing smash mouth with my life.


Native Minnow said...

Funny thinner sucks!

Todd said...

You need a funny jump-start! It's in times like these that I like to turn to classic comedies.

It's either that, or you have to start pushing midgets in wheelchairs down staircases. If you go with the latter, please film it.

Anonymous said...

I prefer not to comment much on this blog, but u are very funny, as I have always thought, which sadly wasn't enough. But there were more than a few things that were awesome. One of those reminds me of the whole midget comment posted, & how u once said u wish u could b a midget when I walked by u in a short u remember saying that? It was so funny I almost wet myself! But I did connect w/ the thought u were attempting to convey with ur words. U R a very funny man, & paint thinner was invented by man to dull the colors God created, which can't b dulled unless u accept paint thinner as a reality, which it is not...anything that dulls ur senses is not reality, but a manmade coping "agent"...that can "soften" the edges, but that is all that it does, as u know thru is harsh, but real. Anything that dulls reality can help u cope, but not solve, ur personal struggles. Insite is an oxymoron, as looking in, is not site at all, but understanding the way we see gives us the "in"site we need to look "outward". Look outward...that is our first task as human beings...look past ourself & the answer will b there!! Hope ur well..:-)

ldygator said...

I was trying to come up with some inspirational words to bestow upon you, but I think Anon. did a pretty good job. Anyway, here's my cheesy bit: You are stronger than this and you will get through it. It won't happen overnight, and it won't be fun at this exact moment, but it doesn't have to be the complete end of your funny either. Even when you've thought you lost it, you've proven to us that it's still there. It is a part of you. Just remember the good in your life and the people that care about you, especially your kids. I'm sure they want their funny, totally over-their head monologing, dad back. You've got friends and people that are there for you (maybe not right there in your condo or whatever), but they are there nonetheless.

Plus, maybe while it's raining paint thinner outside, you could break out the slip-n-slide and maybe invite some of those topless chicks from your condo over! That would give you a totally new view of paint thinner!

Bill From Gainesville said...

Minnow -- Funny thinner does indeed suck
Todd-- Midgets in wheelchairs going down staircases -- got it, just need to get a video camera
Anon --- thanks
Ldy Gator - thank you. and I do know that I have friends-- (just not here in the condo) (really not to many in all of South Florida)but I am looking forward to weekends in the fall when I see you guys.

The Charming Hedonist said...

First and foremost, Bulldog Nation thanks you for your support during the CWS. Damn Fresno State.

Secondly, I'm going to share something kinda schmoopy with you. I work in Divorce, and it's not a pretty thing no matter how you slice it. I see the worst of the worst of the worst. But, I still believe in love. I have to. Because it means that there's hope. And without hope, you have nothing.

Here's to getting your funny back.

Bill From Gainesville said...

Hedo- Hope you are right -Plus the word Schmoopy is new to me -- and really, for my part in getting divorced, it was all about hope, I needed it back

PhoenixHearse said...

I know what you mean. I don't think I'm nearly as funny now that I've come back to blogging after my divorce.

I was reading some archived posts yesterday from a couple years ago and actually laughing out loud to myself.

Where the hell did that girl go??

Bill From Gainesville said...

Phoenix--- they do say time heals. which again, is a cliche but still after awhile I am sure funny will come back....

Holly said...

Funny thinner! How sad .... But I love it. Say, you don't mind if I use this excuse myself, do you? Just with my friends?

Bill From Gainesville said...

Holly it would be an HONOR if you took that and ran with it wherever your friends or if you get a gig with Newsweek, use it in their as well..... :)