Friday, June 20, 2008

The two words with the three letters.

So here I am :

That's me taking a photograph of myself. Kind of stoic looking? That's what I was going for, I hope you agree. Am I stoic in this photograph or not? Fuck it, I don't care if you think its angry or bitter, or whatever, ....its my interpretation of STOIC , and that's my story , and I am sticking to it. This is me being stoic.
On Thursday June 19th, 2008 I was officially Divorced. I didn' t find out until today, June 20th. I knew when I was married, the exact second I was married, I found out I was divorced when my lawyer called me today at about two p.m. I was at a Staples, buying office supplies that I needed to do my job, which is a good thing. A good thing in the sense that the judge thinks very highly of my ability to earn money. That guy either wants to send me to jail for failing to meet my obligations or he thinks so highly of me that he knows I will meet and exceed any issues or problems that arise in reaching those numbers he has imposed. Here is an interpretation of me circa 2008:

That's right, Rabbit ear pants depicting brokenness.
I loved the woman, and still do, Except I don't appreciate some stuff, but I wont go into it. She fucked up bad, so did I, we fucked up individually but together as a team. We got married and then we got divorced. In the sense that we had obligations to each other and we both failed in meeting them, we let each other down. Whatever, I am to blame ultimately, because I will not be a victim. Just suffice it to say that there are issues that I will not talk about on this blog. We have to raise our children together and the bitterness and the ugliness that is out there is useless to me. I am a beaten man, I have loved and then I ended up being a loser. My heart is broken now.

Forgive me while I bleed out. Except I cant afford to bleed out, Me dead is not good. I mean it would probably be better for me, but not better for my kids and ultimately they are mine. and they provide joy and hope to me, so I will work and I will struggle. I don't know everything I am going to do right now, but part of it, is to not fail in that aspect of it. I will do what I have to do, to the extent I am capable, until my heart goes out, hopefully it will not do so for a few years but I feel it breaking right now.

I know how it is and the description of having your teeth pulled by pliers through your ass is descriptive enough. That's about what it feels like, its both an acute pain in your face and a guttural grossness in your stomach ..... Thanks SCG for the description...

Sincerely, Divorced ass Bill
P.S. I will be able to make my first payment that I owe, even though I will be dropping a couple of bills tonight on drinks and strippers... Fuck it ... FUCK THIS DIVORCE ASS BULLSHIT, but at the same time, I know what my torture is now, and when I was married the torture was always a surprise, month to month I never new what torture and betrayal I was going to have to deal with, so now "I do." so here is my tribute to the words "I do" two words, three letters. My recommendation, don't say them in front of a judge, or a notary, or a priest.

Rick, thanks for linking me:


scg said...

Dude, you are doing it. Going through the process. Divorce is just that, a long, hard process. There are about thirty stages in the process, and just like in baseball, you have to touch all the bases.

Anger is a stage. So is feeling like a loser. Feeling betrayed and hurt are bases in this process too. Just like baseball, don't stop on the bases, just touch them and move on. Don't dwell.

As you move through these stages, you will, without a doubt, learn, and grow and deal.

You will reach a point where happiness comes to you easily, because of your strength.

I've been there. I've felt the pain in the gut every morning, and every night for months.

But it was the best thing that happened to me.

I am happier and more at peace than ever before.

And happily married.

Take care buddy.

Bill From Gainesville said...

SCG -- I have a sense that everything will get better, I believe it, I am just not in the mood right now to think about that, and although I rule out getting Married forever again in the future, I cross my fingers and hope I can meet someone just like my wife, but only she doesnt do the bad bullshit that my wife did... I know I wouldnt do the bad bullshit I did again already ....

Bill From Gainesville said...

anyways I stopped by because I went out to early and need to rest before I go out again tonight. I am to old, I like going out and being done going out by eleven ish anymore. thats just not how it is anymore and its not how it will be tonight. either...

Quin Browne said...


Tere said...

SCG is right - you have to go through the stages and allow yourself to feel and think it all. Those black days when you just want to curl up in bed forever? When the clock doesn't move fast enough and your thoughts are torturing you? They have a purpose. They exist so that you will know joy when it comes back into your life.

Like Kahlil Gibran said: "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."

Cynnie said...

eh..what can anyone really say?
it sucks ass.