A post about a post that I won't post

I just wrote an awesome post.

-

It was well written, funny, and moved the would be reader along. It kept the anticipated audience, (wait for it) anticipating.....It made the reader look forward to the next paragraph and at the end, it would have made them sad that there wasn't more. Each paragraph tied back to the prior paragraph in subtle and humorous ways. I built on the theme like it was fucking Beethoven's symphony. A symphony that he never wrote, but would have if he was not a musical savant in the 1700's, but instead, if he was a middle aged Miami blogger in the twenty ought eights. Think of "Beethoven's Fifth", but it wasn't old school like that, it was more like Stairway to Heaven, in that it built on itself, much like his "fifth", but also never forgot that ultimately, the people listening to it are probably mostly stoned, and wearing 25 dollar concert t-shirts.

-

I have the ability to do that. I can write a little bit.

-

Generally, its not something I am in control of. Sometimes the words just flow out of my soul, through my fingertips onto the keyboard, and into my website. Other times, not so much. I wish I could harness it, and am working to do so. But, this current state of depression I am in is like water being doused on fire, Its like Jesus promoting atheism,* its just contradictory to itself. My sadness at the things my wife wanted in life, versus what I had been working for, is just oil and water, cats and dogs, nineteen twenties prohibitionists and alcoholics dancing to Beethoven, but feeling self conscious about it because of all the gyrating that goes on, and the one guy being drunk and the other person being kind of a prude.

-

The reason I didn't post this awesomeness was not because I lack Ego, I promise, if this thing was about my ladder, or eating hot dogs, or even getting text messages at 5:30 in the morning about "seexy" porn, I would have layed it out there on my blog. No, this well written, funny, Beethoven like post that built on itself like a teenage boy hungers to see a woman's boobies, was about something personal and something that I chose to self censor.

-

That's what I do lately. Self Censor. My blog got used against me in my own divorce. I had written about doing well in one of my posts. I had even stated that maybe long term, it was possibly even better then I had been doing before. It got taken as this: "Billy is rolling around naked in a bed full of money while simultaneously having sex with seven beautiful women."

-

So because of all that, I don't always write about what I am thinking about, but tonight I did, but then instead of posting it, I deleted it, and wrote this post in its place.

-

Signed,

-

self censor boy

-

-

-

* I used the comment about Jesus promoting atheism in a comment I made on one of Covert Overt's posts and reused it here. She was saying how she hated guided tours of stuff, but that a particular guided tour she took was awesome. Hence, Jesus promoting atheism, that and once, a long time ago I tried to pursuade a body shop guy to use aftermarket parts and he didnt want any bit of that so he said that line to me then..... it works though in all of the contexts.