Thursday, July 17, 2008

A post about a post that I won't post

I just wrote an awesome post.
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It was well written, funny, and moved the would be reader along. It kept the anticipated audience, (wait for it) anticipating.....It made the reader look forward to the next paragraph and at the end, it would have made them sad that there wasn't more. Each paragraph tied back to the prior paragraph in subtle and humorous ways. I built on the theme like it was fucking Beethoven's symphony. A symphony that he never wrote, but would have if he was not a musical savant in the 1700's, but instead, if he was a middle aged Miami blogger in the twenty ought eights. Think of "Beethoven's Fifth", but it wasn't old school like that, it was more like Stairway to Heaven, in that it built on itself, much like his "fifth", but also never forgot that ultimately, the people listening to it are probably mostly stoned, and wearing 25 dollar concert t-shirts.
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I have the ability to do that. I can write a little bit.
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Generally, its not something I am in control of. Sometimes the words just flow out of my soul, through my fingertips onto the keyboard, and into my website. Other times, not so much. I wish I could harness it, and am working to do so. But, this current state of depression I am in is like water being doused on fire, Its like Jesus promoting atheism,* its just contradictory to itself. My sadness at the things my wife wanted in life, versus what I had been working for, is just oil and water, cats and dogs, nineteen twenties prohibitionists and alcoholics dancing to Beethoven, but feeling self conscious about it because of all the gyrating that goes on, and the one guy being drunk and the other person being kind of a prude.
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The reason I didn't post this awesomeness was not because I lack Ego, I promise, if this thing was about my ladder, or eating hot dogs, or even getting text messages at 5:30 in the morning about "seexy" porn, I would have layed it out there on my blog. No, this well written, funny, Beethoven like post that built on itself like a teenage boy hungers to see a woman's boobies, was about something personal and something that I chose to self censor.
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That's what I do lately. Self Censor. My blog got used against me in my own divorce. I had written about doing well in one of my posts. I had even stated that maybe long term, it was possibly even better then I had been doing before. It got taken as this: "Billy is rolling around naked in a bed full of money while simultaneously having sex with seven beautiful women."
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So because of all that, I don't always write about what I am thinking about, but tonight I did, but then instead of posting it, I deleted it, and wrote this post in its place.
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Signed,
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self censor boy
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* I used the comment about Jesus promoting atheism in a comment I made on one of Covert Overt's posts and reused it here. She was saying how she hated guided tours of stuff, but that a particular guided tour she took was awesome. Hence, Jesus promoting atheism, that and once, a long time ago I tried to pursuade a body shop guy to use aftermarket parts and he didnt want any bit of that so he said that line to me then..... it works though in all of the contexts.

10 comments:

The Charming Hedonist said...

Using your blog against you? That lawyer was a sick bastard. I disgusted, and I work in the field.

I miss the old non-censoring Bill.

The Charming Hedonist said...

I am disgusted. (Shakes head...)

Bill From Gainesville said...

Hedo. --- I love the woman I married. she did some horrible awful things to me and I then did the same to her. I hated her for what she did, but now, not so much.
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She is the love of my life and the mother of my children, so when I get ready to bash her I forgive, as I hope she forgives me. that post that I didnt put up had meanness and bitterness. It is no longer valid for me to think like that, Hate really is something that eats you away and I am done with all that.

Bill From Gainesville said...

Hedo 2, thanks, I understood your grammar error.

Native Minnow said...

Can you please just tell me your secret so that I, too, can roll around in piles of money and have sex with many different women?

Bill From Gainesville said...

Minnow. Rolling around in piles of money while simultaneously having sex with seven georgeous women is not for the faint of heart. you have to really kind of be in teh mood. Its harder then it sounds. what with all the sex and the money and everything. but here is the tip you asked for. 1) get a pile of money and spread it on your bed, then 2) get seven beautiful women, preferrably lesbians and then have sex with them on the pile of money.

Nashville Tiger Fan said...

Is it ok for friends of yours to be pissed that you are censoring yourself because a scum bag lawyer and others thought using your blog against you is anything short of chicken shit? You probably have a healthier (more positive) attitude about it than I did as I read this post.

da lizza said...

haha. i actually loved that saying and have used it since.

i find myself self-censoring on my blog all the time. it's usually on a more sentence by sentence basis, than deleting an entire post. regardless, your censored post sounded brilliant... wish i read it. :)

Quin Browne said...

as i once said, you use a nom de plume, tell no one you know, and go wild.


i did.'


um, writing wise.


anywise, i guess... but, writing wise they can't use against you.

Bill From Gainesville said...

NTF, the post was really just a reaction to some mail I received from one of her attorneys. I knew it was coming but it still pisses me off so I vented but really I did know it was coming and even had legal options regarding it and chose not to avail myself of them I did write a nasty post, but then before posting it up, I just deleted it. its water under the bridge and although it only makes my life that much harder and its kind of like getting kicked in the nuts some more I just said WTF. I am not trying to hang on to the bitterness.. I am letting it go as best I can.
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DaLizza -- THANKS! and self censoring is warranted sometimes, I dont want to hurt other people with my words, at least not intentionally, if it sometimes still happens then I didnt mean it and would take it back, This Time I knew it was one that would dig a little bit. so I self censored.
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Quin, if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it did it make a sound?