The Morbidity and Mortality Conference

She's dead, She came in on a Friday afternoon all full of hope and swagger and I think at some point, early in the morning on Monday, you just have to face up to the fact the weekend is gone. Its the re-birth of the work week. Soon enough the very real business of earning a living will once again be upon us, but for now, lets evaluate the causes and minutia of what was.

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As most weekends do, they start after work on Fridays. Sure there is the occasional four day weekend, The special holiday weekends, The grandaddy weekend of them all, that Thanksgiving weekend that usually starts on Wednesday afternoon, but this was a regular one and it began on Friday.

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My nostalgic look back on it, saw it begin with some wine. Generally most weekends have that Friday Afternoon Draft beer feel to it, not this one, this one came in with the red Grapes. I have always been a fan of the First Beer on a Friday Afternoon. Its special, it just tastes better. It has all the things any other beer has, the barley and the yeast and hops. It also has the possibilities of what can be. It will work the same for Wine though, the glasses you have then are just a little more refined, a little more grapey as they say. To be honest I had maybe just a little to much wine that day, but I didn't stay out, I put my flirt in with the Brazilian, and I went home and watched a rented movie. I would tell you what movie it was, but its kind of Gay that a grown man rented it, so lets just say it was a little chick flicky and leave it at that. (not that there is anything wrong with that) *

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Saturday came next. This part of her is often considered the meat of the thing. Its when she stretches out and kind of says to the world, "World, Its Saturday, the MEAT of the weekend" See how she says that? I told you it was the "meat" of the thing. --- I was a little depressed though, so I don't think I made the best of this part of the weekend. I fight loneliness all the time, living in this new city, not really knowing anyone - partly I do it by being "out", but like Seinfeld says: you also have to be "in" sometimes and my Saturday had allot of "in" I watched a silly movie pretty much from start to finish in the afternoon. It had Amanda Peet in it, but I never did catch the name of it. Its a regret about this weekend that I will suffer through maybe forever, or at least until TBS runs it again and I pay attention. Maybe I can describe it a little bit, and our morbidity and mortality conference on the weekend can come up with some answers. Amanda Peet is dating this dweeby little guy and trys to isolate him from his buddies. His buddies understand she is controlling and dominating, so they try to break them up. Part of their plan is to kidnap Amanda Peet's character and then fake her death, then set up their buddy with an old high school girlfriend, before she becomes a nun. Any help? the dweeby guy is an actor that is best known for his roll in the movie American Pie. But I digress.

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The Saturday Evening part of the weekend, saw me mosey on over to Bayside Park. (a mosey is a very leisurely type of pace) Had dinner and watched some street performers. This couple was playing with fire, and juggling daggers. You just don't see that everyday. At one point they had six daggers flying around between the two of them, Each with the precision flip in the air so that they catch the handles and not the blade part of the things. They did more, but it really is a visual type of thing and reading about it wont do it justice. Then I came back "in" and watched a movie I rented called: "Babel" I promise you, if all you get out of reading this post is the knowledge to save your money and not rent this thing then I have contributed to the world by letting you know .... It was horrible.

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Sunday was really a great day, This was the part of this particular weekend that loved me the most. It was when the weekend and I really came together and began understanding each other. We laughed , we cried, we were very zen about the day together and it will be our fondest memory of what was. After reading the paper and drinking the Sunday morning Starbucks, I hopped on that train that runs through my building and went on over to Calle Ocho. Me and 1.4 million other people. I walked approximately 54 blocks in all, and saw all kinds of craziness. Glenn Rice, the former Miami Heat star, was signing autographs up by 27th street in a booth sponsored by Kia. They had all these "Kia" girls with skimpy little jump suits on ,and some of them had bikinis and paint...PAINT as clothes, its not just a concept you see in Sports illustrated's swimsuit edition anymore, it is going main stream. (to the extent that a street festival celebrating Latin American diversity in the heart of Little Havana is mainstream) Something else I saw that amazed me was lines that stretched out for incredibly long distances, simply to get some free stuff. Calle Ocho is a street party with all kinds of different musical performances spread out over 27 blocks or so. It is also big business and there is tons of little booths marketing to the people and part of that included crappy little minutia. Colgate had a booth, and had I chosen too, I am pretty sure I could have got some free toothpaste, I chose not to wait in the line though, luckily You can also buy toothpaste at a store for less then three bucks. Standing in a line that wraps around and around in the hot sun for a free tube, just didn't work out in my head as being worth the three bucks. but that was just me, and as the line attested, many others did the economic math and said what the hell, let me get some free Colgate.

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On the way back I passed by one of my new favorite bars: "Finnegan's on the River" this is a bar that is located on the Miami River. True fact, the river and the city are both named Miami. The city stole it from the river though, at least that's the story I am going with. The river was here first, And the city came next, but I don't think the river feels bad about it at all, Its like myself in that regard. My dad and I have the same name. I feel honored, not bad about that. Its the same thing with the river and the city. Its also like the Georgia Bulldogs, Grambling, and the Green Bay Packers, they all have that same "G" on the side of their helmets but they all seem to get along together and send each other those silly little Christmas letters in December.

I met some characters at this bar that day. Two bisexual women, a punk rock chef and a comedian dry cleaner dude. I can tell you this, WE DID NOT BUY A BOAT TOGETHER. Its not often though that you run into a group like that and contemplate it as much as we did. Its all over now. A little Simpsons, some King of the hill. fall asleep in the lazy boy that's how it ended. They usually do end up dying that last death with me in the lazy boy watching cartoons. There is a rhythm to life though, and a new weekend will be born in about five days.

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* - At the point where I say (not that there is anything wrong with that) I assume it is common cultural phenomenon to understand I am quoting an episode of Seinfeld .. and no, I did not credit Seinfeld in the post, but am also clearly not trying to claim the line as mine. Its just funny to say stuff about gayness, and then say (not that there is anything wrong with that)

The Schindlers list post

Wow. I just got an E-mail from my X-Wife. Turns out I didn't have to take that post down after all. She already was aware of my blog, How? I have no idea .
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Turns out my goal of being a good ex-husband is not really sustainable. I will have to get down in the mud with her after all and we will be the typical hate each other exes, that I didn't want to become, but in order to protect myself from her, I will no longer be able to be nice. Its really a shame because for so many years it was pretty good.
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I was listening to a book on CD the other day in which the author says that his wife told him that he liked the movie "Schindler's list." - She wasn't saying he would like the movie. She was saying He did like the movie.--- He was adamant that no, he did NOT like the movie "Schindler's list." He felt that he had the right to determine what he did, or did not like and that if it was all the same to her, He was of the position that he DID NOT like the movie. They decided to see who was correct and rented it and watched it together. He said it turns out that they were both right.
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The movie came out in 1993, and for 15 years, whenever it came up, his opinion was that he did not like the movie. He now realizes he was wrong. He liked the movie allot. what he didn't like was the ending. The movie has two endings, after it is over, there is a scene in color, of some of the real life survivors at the grave site of Mr. Schindler. That was the part that he didn't like. He thought that was cheesy and it just didn't work for him.
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Which is how My Marriage is, Just like this guys view of the movie Schindler's list. I liked being married. I just didn't like the ending. The last three years, my wife went absolutely crazy, She gutted us financially and then to top it off she blames me. (its her defense mechanism) Her basic argument is that I made her do it because I was somehow not good enough of a person to give her advice on the business. I sold my truck, I paid her business bills out of our pockets until I went completely through our IRA. I was constantly having to deal with her issues because she was incapable of being a grown up on her own. She just kept on digging bigger holes for us though. All along I told her exactly what I thought of her business. I just never told her anything that she wanted to hear, so she blames me. So although I think the way it ended is horrible and is my primary focus, I will try to remember the good parts. Its really kind of weird. I loved being married to her, I hated it. Which is it? truthfully I liked it a lot, the ending is kind of cheesy though...

The Brazillian woman I met

I went out for happy hour and did ok with a brazilian woman. We exchanged some pleasantries, and she let me know how I could get in touch with her in the future, all on her own... we shall see how it plays out. English is only her THIRD language though... but she is from Brazille, and she is kind of Spicy and I like her ALOT.... still She may be out of my league, and I only say that because she is super hot and I am just an ordinary kind of dude. Sure, I lift weights, and I run and I can run smack with anyone, but I know in the overall scheme of things, she was better looking then I am and ultimately, She will figure that out, She was just being nice to me when she was flirting with me, earlier.... anyways, we will find out toghether, except, you know, I will find out first and then either post it up here on my blog, or I will get rejected so hard that I will never ever bring it up again EVER, and just try to forget about it while my intentions sink down the sewer ... Signed, Single ass bill who never really wanted it at all, but may end up being pretty good at it....?whatever

A break from all my awesome writing and subsequent worriness.

Ok, just a nice easy post with a picture of Kendra Rice. - Her blog is at http://www.kendrarice.com/ I don't know her, but think she is beautiful. She is a model that is trying to get work so all you people that need Hot ass women to pose for pictures for you at a price, Hire her.... Look at how dedicated she is to NOT eating ... My goodness those rib cages are not supposed to show like that, not that she isn't gorgeous, she is, just somebody get her a Hamburger....

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Elliott Spitzer, Julia Roberts, and the belief in Superman.

Ok, here is a question I have been wondering about. Elliot Spitzer just resigned his job as governor of NY. He was busted in a prostitution ring for buying $4000.00 dollar an hour callgirls to have sex with him. Everyone that reads this blog are aware enough and informed enough to know this, My audience is not a bunch of no computer, no television watching HillBillys or anything. ----So anyways, Here is my question: Are you absolutely fucking kidding me? 4k a night? Look, I saw that movie with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts where Julia Roberts was a street walker making what?????? a hundred dollars an hour???? if that???? sure, she could drive a stick shift on that bad ass car that George Costanza loaned him, but my god, if you are getting a hundred dollars an hour as a hooker and you look like Julia Roberts, I cant even imagine how gorgeous this Spitzer whore looks like. ......... My god, I am going through a divorce and we are fighting over our tiny little remaining assets that my wife didnt already blow through, and I am telling you, if this chick was actually WORTH 4k an hour for having sex, I want some of that... and I am willing to give my wifes half of our remaining assets to get it and thats at least 5k ...... DAMN --- that is some expensive sex right there... and the thing is, I KNOW that this spitzer hooker is not going to be anywhere close to as good looking as Julia Roberts so you know what? Pretty woman may have been in my top 5 favorite movies of all time, and it may have been my NUMBER 1 all time love story movie,----- but now, Mr. Spitzer has ruined it for me. The reality is: they perpetuated a hoax on me that I believed. When I originally saw it, I blindly believed that Julia Roberts was a 100 dollar an hour hooker, The magic of movies sold me on it, It was like the movie SUPERMAN , when they convince you that Superman is from another planet and that is why he can fly and you BUY INTO THAT---- 100 percent. ---- But now, Mr. Spitzer if you were paying someone 4k an hour for sex, do you think its possible I can believe the character played by JULIA, GORGEOUSE ASS, ROBERTS was only worth a hundred bucks an hour? are you serious? You also now want me to buy that Kryptonite is the only thing that fucks Superman up? I could probably kick his ass for all I know, now that my whole world has been set off center...How absurd was that last sentence. it basically said, "I think I can Kick Supermans Ass" thats how bad you have effected my world Mr. Elliott Spitzer, -----Sure, go ahead, get your hookers, but PLEASE lets not blow reality out of the window and pay that kind of money..... People, this SPITZER MESS has brought me to the brink of questioning SUPERMAN ..... I mean really what the FUCK is KRYPTONITE? I should have known better. I was sucked into the whole fantasy..... Damn that democrat, Elliot Spitzer...He has RUINED my belief in the fantasy that is movies... from now on its documentaries only for me... I am begging you, please fix my world tell me where I can find even a sliver of Kryptonite for real. and I will touch it and once again be allowed to watch major motion pictures... and believe in stuff again... Help ME....

Downtown Miami

Ok, so living in downtown Miami is really cool. you can walk to the barber, the drycleaner, to the Barnies or Starbucks, the CVS, the walgreens, there are pizza places, radio shack, all kinds of shoe stores, all kinds of restraunts , different kinds of foods, and all kinds of clothing stores, its all really very cool. There are bars you can walk to, and other bars that you can take the free above ground rail train to get to.
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If I am not using my car for work, I basically dont use it at all, with only a few exceptions, because so much is within walking distance. There are even street vendors that sell hotdogs -- How cool is that? So I am really fighting terrorism by saving on gas money, except you know, every third week when I make that haul up to Gainesville to see my kids. I feel like I am doing my small part in fighting the gas prices. But just like my single vote wont make a damn bit of difference in the elections, you still do it. and my saving gas money by living downtown on the big scale of things is like 1/10th of one drop of water in the worlds oceans, its not even a rounding error but overall its still good for me, so I am grateful. I like living downtown in a major city. Its new to me and its my new reality.

Just the other day I made an acquaintance

I am new to Miami. I work out of my apartment by myself, so I don't even have a chance to meet co-workers and make new friends, so it has been tough, but I do things and I get around out in the world and I try. (I am not a leper, I have tons of friends, just not really any in Miami yet.) In fact, this is a story about my one friend/ acquaintance that I have made here in the magic city.
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I was in a bar a few Thursday Nights ago minding my own damn business, trying to catch a buzz and flirt with the bar-tendress, when a dude sitting next to me started going on about Clinton and O'Bama. I told him I thought both of them would raise taxes on us, and that McCain was the way to go. I also told him how I voted for Bush and that I honestly feel it was a huge mistake and that he was a huge let down. I was wrong, but that doesn't mean jumping on O-Bama's or Clinton's band wagon is the right thing to do either. Its like momma said, two wrongs don't make a right, just because Bush burned our asses, doesn't mean the next republican will right? He was shocked and said he never met anyone that actually voted for Bush and then admitted it now. He tried to sell me on O'bama or Clinton but its just not in me. I think O'Bama is a good man, and I think he shows real leadership, but I also have read his position on spending MY money and that's the key, its MY damn money, that I work for, and I don't like the government taking as much as they do now, but with O'Bama and Clinton, they want to take more... I am supposed to spend my money, NOT THEM. After awhile though, I grew tired of this debate and somehow we got on the topic of Gay Marriage. I told him that Gay dudes should be able to be as miserable as the rest of us, and get married if they want to, and I told him if it is ever legal, that one of the coolest things will be the first GAY divorce. I am betting it will get headlines. He then asked me about me... and I realized, He had been hitting on me...This was a straight bar and I am a masculine enough dude, I lift weights and drink beer and stuff but it was just down right flattering anyways. He said I was good looking! how cool is that. a Guy hit on me.. We just drank and we hung out and when I see him at this bar every now and then, we talk. So yes, right now he is more of an acquaintance but he is a cool enough guy and as long as he keeps his johnson in his pants around me I am ok with it... plus I am hoping some of his girlfriends will come around. Women so love a gay guy, I can be like that little fish that hangs out on the belly of the shark sucking off plankton or whatever, only you know instead of plankton it will be women who are friends of a gay guy. Thats Symbiosis right there.

Another story that happened a long time ago

Years ago, in my previous life as a rental car manager, and a guy who lived in the Dade County area, I worked the overnight shifts at a huge specialty rental car company. -

The agents knew better then to write a rental contract for someone who had a different name on their drivers license then they did on their credit card. One night, someone came up to the counter with just that exact issue. The agent was absolutely, NOT going to rent to him, and the fellow was very upset. Remember, this is about 2am in the morning, and the guy has just flown in from god knows where, and he wants to rent his Corvette and get out of there...

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I came up and verified, that Judge Reinhold IS Eddie Reinhold and that therefore we were not getting scammed by this fellow, and it was ok for the agent to rent him a car.. Judge thanked me and also gave me some inside tidbits on Eddie Murphy for which I sold to a tabloid for $500,000.00.. Then he gave me a part in the next Beverly Hills Cop 72 and I moved to LA, and banged a whole bunch of hot chicks from Iowa that thought I could help them in their acting career....... Ok some of this story never really happened, but I did help out Judge Reinhold and he DID thank me... although the Iowa chicks, and moving to LA, and even the gossip business on Eddie Murphy, that may not have happened just as a I previously described it....

Years ago, Paul and I got in an argument

Years ago, when I lived in Miami the first time, I worked as a Manager at a rental car company. I started off on the overnight shift. One night a fellow was giving a rental agent a hard time about a drop off fee. He wanted to rent from the Miami Airport and drop the car off in Ft lauderdale. There was a 50 dollar drop charge for this particular vehicle. As the manager, I had to deal with his anger and his pleading for an exception. One of his arguments that night was: " do you know who I am?" --My reply: "Yes Sir I do, You are Paul Shaeffer, and I think you can afford the drop fee." (ok I never said the part about affording the drop fee, but I did think it.. plus it was cool getting in an argument with Paul Schaeffer...)

The Cheetah, and the dart to the neck, that is laced w/ divorce lawyer

As I go through this divorce, I can't help but wonder about the new challenges ahead. There are many. One of the challenges is like the difference between a Zoo-kept Cheetah and a wild one. Living in the Zoo means you have to face the bars and the limitations of the pen, but the meals are always consistant, and if they are feeding you steak and lobster, and you like Steak and lobster, it is a tradeoff that you can appreciate. However, imagine suddenly getting one of those darts in your neck, which, this time is laced with divorce lawyer, and waking up, no longer in your zoo confines, but in the middle of the African veldt, or maybe a major metropolitan city in the south.

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Now, Speed, and agility is at a premium, The bars are off, but the steak and lobster is no longer delivered by the keeper. You are in fact dealing with the pursuit of the gazelles after a fifteen year hiatus of NOT pursuing any gazelles, so you keep wondering why they wont just bring the steak and lobster? You soon realize if the gazelles are going to feed you, you will have to be fast enough, (whatever that entails) -- Sure you are a cheetah on the inside, and believe in your speed, (wit, humour, personality etc) but much like an aging wide receiver in the NFL, you also have to deal with the fact you may not have the best speed, you have to adjust with perfect route running, the occasional un-seen shove of the defensive back and exceptional hands (hopefully by the time you get to be my age you have a little personality and understanding of the opposite sex, not to say you understand them, its just that you understand them better then the faster, better looking younger competition)

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You may long for the days of having it delivered and the sense of security in knowing the keeper so well after all those years, but that just aint happening for you anymore so its time to work on the route running...

Nostalgia turns into a conspiracy theory...

I was reading the USA Today, and came accross a little blurb under the Arizona Square, that told of the demise of Evan Mecham. He died on February 21rst, 2008. He was the man who banned Martin Luther King Day in Arizona. He was removed as the Governor of Arizona in April of 1988 due to either an impeachment, an indictment, or a recall election, I dont personally recall myself and wasnt part of the recall either, as I had already moved away. (it wasn't because of the Martin Luther King day fiasco, It was some other corruption) Imagine that, a corrupt politician... But I will get back to his corruptness later on in this post by making up outlandish accusations...

It got me thinking about my younger days. I am a huge Gator fan, but thats only because I grew up in Gainesville. I sold cokes in the stands during the 0-10-1 season. (the tie was against Ga Tech ,Larry Ochab was the QB that day. Scott Brantly ended his Gator Career on that field during that game and I took the 4th quarter off from selling cokes to see if they could pull out a win. Later, Brantly went on to play ten years for the Bucs.) When I graduated from High School, Instead of going to Uof F I did what many people do, I chose to Move away to go to College.

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I went to Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff Arizona. I learned to Snow Ski up in the high country, I learned about Beer Bongs and worms in Tequila. I learned lots of other stuff as well, and then when I graduated, My degree came to me, signed by the Governor of Arizona, Mr. Evan Mecham .... I think the uniqueness of his term of office actually adds "pizazz" to my degree, until I noticed in the picture here on my blog, and my degree on my wall, the signature is the same. I believe he may not have actually "signed" My diploma, so much as someone in his office, probably used a stamp... (ok, maybe I never really thought he signed it at all, but work with me, this is a conspiracy post) Its ok though, because I still know my way around a beer bong, he cant take that away from me, Thats part of who I am, and I still may be one of the finest skiiers, that you know, never skis anymore. -----In my mind I am an AWESOME skiier. Just like if I were to tell you how good of a football player I was in High school? I was like Ed Bundy... I once scored four .... Anyway, While I was in college, I used to drive back to Florida for most summers so I could work. Most years I would take I-10 through Phoenix, and Tucson and then the motherfucker drive that is El Paso to Beaumont Texas. But one of those trips had me going down I-40.

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Not to far from Flagstaff, on I-40, is Winslow Arizona, and although I am like every other guy on this planet that likes to see how fast a trip can be made, We stopped in Winslow for the express purpose of standing on a corner, like in the Eagles song. Now we may not have seen a girl in a flatbed ford slowing down to take a look --, but damnit we did it in the late 80's (it was me and a friend, His name was Scott) well before the city of Winslow made a park and a festival out of it.

In or around 1997, (facts can sometimes be elusive, plus get in the way) The city of Winslow commercialized this and actually made a park called "standin on a corner"... they even have a yearly FESTIVAL ? I feel somehow my youth has been commercialized as I did it without the help of a park and festival....I just pulled over and stood on a random corner in Winslow Arizona. (College kids were just harder in my day...) We didnt need a park or a festival. I just needed that girl in the flatbed Ford to slow down and you know... Look at me.. but then, as I was getting all nostalgic, it occurred to me that the song was written in the 70's. How come the City of Winslow was so slow to capitalize? Was it because the Eagles were corrupting the Governor with kickbacks to run political roughshod over the Local Winslow government? is the reason he had an office staffer use a stamp to sign his name on my degree because he was busy in the "Hotel California?" Mr. Mecham was a "Hard headed man he was brutally handsome" (just look up in the corner for proof of that) We may never know because Mr. Mecham will take it to his grave.... but much like the grassy knoll in Dallas, and the Zapruder video, My college degree is the last link to that era.... Ok thats dramatic because there are tons of other links and stuff, plus its not like I was the only one that graduated that fatefull May 15th.... I know many of you will say "why dont you come to your senses" and that you know, I have been "out ridin fences for so long now" but thats my story...