Looking for the coagulation

Ever since the Judge kicked my ass in my divorce, I have not been able to do much blog writing because my funny ran out on me. Cheating two timing whore of a funny bone.

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Just when I need you the most you leave me? The Judge put me on a "funny thinner" Its like paint thinner, it smells kind of funky, and it is ruining all my pictures. I try to dip my brush into the paint, but all the paint has been replaced by the thinner. I forget anyways, and try to put something up on the canvass and it just bleeds it on out. So I know what I need, I need me some coagulation.

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I see the funny in glimpses, like when you step out of the tunnel at a Major league ball park. The field is perfectly green, two shades of green, usually. Its always in some kind of a beautiful pattern, checkerboard maybe, or if its Fenway, the two little socks. The Astros have that sun looking thing going on. Its all from the way the greens keepers cut it and tend to it. It just explodes from your vision into your brain and your brain sends it on down into the pours of your skin. That's how I see my funny, only then a dark storm cloud full of "funny thinner" moves in like one of those fast motion cloud Sky's that you see in the movies when the director is trying to show time going on by, and the next thing you know, its raining "funny thinner" on my head.

Here is a glimpse of Bills Funny, metaphorically speaking, See the cool checkerboard pattern?

They say write what you know, except all I know right now is divorce, the fear of failure and being alone, oh yeah, and also that my funny is kind of a slutty whore that will leave you when you need her. Its also evidently a lot like a baseball diamond because if you know the way a field explodes into your senses as you come out into the park from under the bowels of the concession stands, then that's the way I think about my funny, at least when its being faithful to me, and not out whoring. Checkerboard grass at a ball field on a beautiful day is a stunning thing to behold. I don't now why I think of my funny as being a baseball field on a beautiful cool day. Baseball isn't even my favorite sport. I am a casual kind of front running fair weather baseball fan. Hell I watched the college baseball championship game rooting for one Bulldog team and totally got on board with the other Bulldogs in the middle of it. Talk about front running. I was just trying to watch a championship though, as I didn't really care about either of them before that last night.

-Its the old riding the horse thing again as well. If you fall off you are supposed to get right back on. That's some kind of cliche, I know, except my ass is sore, and the fall kind of hurt, and although I want to get back up on the horse, Its kind of like I am the Shaquile O'Neal of jockeys. Just doesn't seem like a big future for Shaquile O'Neal as a jockey. Just like it doesn't seem that after all the effort I put into a fifteen year relationship, and watching it fail so dismally, that the thought of trying again, or that anyone would even want to try with me, well, it just seems so futile. So I have that going for me.

So here is what I do know. Its raining funny thinner, I am searching around for the right combination of umbrella and raincoat, plus my native Indian anti thinner dance moves. I am looking for those moves real bad. It seems like its a beautiful baseball field kind of a thing, but really, its like old time Woody Hayes football, just run it, get the three yards and run it again. Sure we used to have a wide open, spread offense throwing attack of a life, but if you find yourself in the Midwest with big old husky kids and it gets cold, its time to run the ball and play a little smash mouth. So that's what I am doing, getting up and playing smash mouth with my life.

No softball in the 352 this week

The last time I was in Gainesville Florida was so that I could get divorced. Gainesville is A nice town to get a divorce in, It has all those trees and stuff which makes it pretty, and getting divorced in a beautiful town like Gainesville has to be better then someplace like Gary Indiana.

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Anyways, besides going up to Gainesville for a divorce I had figured on playing a little Softball, that Thursday, except it got cancelled due to us not having enough players. This Upcoming weekend I am going to be in town to see my offspring, but I was going to go up on the 3rd to play softball as well, but because its the day before July 4th, its basically a holiday, and thats right, NO SOFTBALL again!

Tiger, quit goofing off

Tiger, Stay off that knee, See you at the Masters, I will miss you.

Why Sports are important

The things that are beautiful, and the things that move people's souls come from all around us. People will study art in a classroom, but the great artist don't just paint pictures, or sculpt statutes, they make people think differently.

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Great artists inspire. People will spend tons of money on art because the art they are buying has a name, and they are followers. The art of Picasso may genuinely be great, but the reason that he truly gets sales anymore, is because of his name. People buy to impress others, but at the same time, if you really see something that inspires you, and makes you think about greatness and the inner beauty that is mankind, and the kind of stuff that wills you to do better as a human being? ....Then that is art.

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Or maybe its not art? Maybe the things that inspire, cant be placed on your wall. Maybe the things that move you are memories? Like Steven Detwiller hitting two home runs tonight, plus knocking in all the other runs batted in for the Fresno State bulldogs? Hell of a memory for him I am sure, Plus you know what, I was on my lazboy, but I also enjoyed the hell out of it.

Plus, just for good measure, pretend like he caught the last screaming line drive hit in that direction to end the game? Think about the fact that he did it with his Thumb hanging by threads at the end of his hand? How the surgery he talks about, is from a dead guy, putting ligaments within his live hand to try to make him better, you know, so he can hold a bat properly, and hit home runs? Or wait, he already did that? Twice, tonight? Plus the Double in his Four for Four Night.

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Don't stress about his hand being a complete mess though. Think about how it makes you feel that the Fresno State Bulldogs just became the Cinderella story that will come to mind when Cinderella needs a Cinderella reference?

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Cinderella will be cleaning Chimneys with her toothbrush, telling the Chimney sweep stuff that will make the Chimney Sweeps assistant think that maybe, one day, his illegitimate daughter can have a child that will actually get a "c" in spelling. Its not to much of a dream based on all this , or is it?

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Here is a school that never hoped to even be the frog that got kissed, much less the frog that turns into that handsome prince after that very same kiss? Well tonight they were french kissing hot chicks.

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Angelina Jolie was sticking her tongue down their mouths, and it was passionate. They never won a Men's Championship in anything, ever, unless you count College Baseball as a whole, and you count tonight in particular and dont worry, Brad Pitt doesnt care, because seriously you guys just won the College World Series.

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My goodness, how sports will work you. Listen, I hate the Georgia Bulldogs to a passion, but you know what? they are an SEC school, and so when it was them against the Fresno state Bulldogs, I was pulling for the Athens version of the ugly house pet. Except those Fresno State guys Kicked the Georgia Bulldog ass, and it was truly a poetic thing. I watched it as it happened. They did it as the underdog from basically a commuter school, that never kissed any frogs. They did it with passion, They looked that Frog in the mouth and told them how sexy their warts were. And They did it with Guile, But most of all, they did it with love for the game of baseball, and before it was all done I was truly rooting for them.

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It was like the cockroach that is getting squished by the Shoe, except the cockroach finds a special place within the floorboard that makes the squashing impossible. Plus, to their credit Cockroaches don't die easily.

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It was me, rooting for the SEC. I couldn't help myself when I heard myself Cheer just after the Fresno State Bulldog shortstop made an error, He with the Three previous errors that night, but you know what? He also began the double play that basically put "my" bulldogs out of contention. And yes, He had previously committed three errors, and no they arent really "My" bulldogs, I am just trying to make the point that the beauty of sports moved me to watch and they moved me to look at how beautiful the wart that is the Georgia Bulldogs are to me.

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Yes, I wanted the SEC school to win, because I love the SEC, but in the end, when the Fresno State guys with all their dangling thumbs hanging off their various palms, and their over thirty losses of a Baseball season ended up with a huge smiling pile up on the infield? All I could think about was the fact that Sports are truly beautiful. Sports move peoples souls. Sports are important, and the thing that makes fuddy duddys look down on it, are the things they don't see.

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Its why they pick their art, The exact same reason they pick their art, not because it makes them feel alive, but because someone else told them it should move them. I am just saying tonight, watching that shit go on in Omaha, I was truly inspired, and moved. I know why sports are important, because I saw it in front of my eyes tonight and I know to look for it every time I watch sports. Freaking ART is what that was tonight. Thanks Fresno State, and this is nothing bad on Georgia. See you guys in Jacksonville and when we do, I hope you are undefeated, it will make for a better story if you are. ....

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Rick, thanks for the link: http://www.southfloridadailyblog.blogspot.com/

Downtown Miami and Me

Downtown Miami and I look alike. She is going through a metamorphosis with all the condos that are being built and all the people moving in. I am changing from a separated but Married man, to a divorced middle aged white guy right in front of you. I am also losing weight as I fight the loneliness of my life, by working out in the rooftop gym of my building and swimming in the pool, where there are no more Naked European Women Breasts to be seen. I miss the N.E.W.B.--- Damn you condo association!

Right now Downtown Miami and I both have a Monday thru Friday, during the daytime, kind of lean to our existences. I work during the day during that period, while the downtown area is pretty vibrant then as well. It’s full of people walking around, drinking the High Tess crack cocaine type of Cuban coffee that’s so popular around here. The horn honking and the hot dog vending is just going on! There are multiple languages being spoken. The construction workers are busy erecting the buildings, while wearing their hard hats, and they generally all have that drywall dust all over them. There is just stuff going on down here during the day. It’s like all the different foods you can eat around here. I had dinner from a place specializing in food from Bali the other day, New York Style Pizza is abundant. Then there are the foo foo pizzas, and the Indian and Peruvian cuisine. I always liked the smell of curry, but not really the food that goes along with it.

Friday Nights I like to go have a few beers at various places in the downtown area, though mostly a place called LaLoggia. Like the Downtown area itself, LaLoggia doesn’t do Saturdays. LaLoggia closes on the weekend, and although Downtown Miami isn't completely closed on those two days, its close, with the exception of Bayside. (My header at the top of this blog is a picture of Bayside. It is two blocks from where I live.) In New York City, there are restaurants and bars that are open to all hours of the night, every night, In Downtown Miami, not so much. Even the crappy McDonalds right by my building closes early.

Things are changing though, as the building ends, and the moving in begins, their will be more incentive for businesses to stay open later, and on weekends. Just like me, I mean I am always inside my head 24/7 so its not like I close down on the weekends or at nights, its just that other then the work, which is kind of a nine to five type thing, I don’t have a whole lot going on. Time heals though, and as time goes by, the buildings will be finished, and the Billster will develop more of a life. Cause we are alike, downtown Miami and Me. I live in downtown Miami, but I am also like Downtown Miami. We just need a little time to re-develop into something different then what we were, I have already punched in and am going to work, Downtown Miami is also already on it.

Softball Fridays, coming soon

July 11th is a Friday, but its a special magic Friday because its a Friday that the Billster is going to be playing some Softball, South Florida Style. It's at Flamingo Park on South Beach and its some kind of Coed league. Looking at the roster, it would appear I am going to be the oldest guy on the team. I will regale them with tales of Satchel Paige and how it used to be before Cell phones.

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After such a dry spell of having not played in quite some time, it will take a game or so for me to get that hit it to right field thing down again. I am sure the smack talk will come out right away however, although not knowing the people, it may take awhile till I feel comfortable with the sarcastic digs. I have moved to South Florida now. This is where I live and playing softball is stuff I think I need. Just glad its not hot down here in July and August while the league plays out its schedule.

Me Smiling

Same Guy just different attitude!
Still handome and goodlooking, and still smart, just happy, not so much stoic . He can still out benchpress you as well.

Summarization

The boy can summarize can't he?

This is the same post I put up on June 13th and then took down later on June 13th, some of you read it already, and some of you questioned why I took it down. I dont know. its pretty harmless its also not very controversial, just on June 13th I WAS still married. So easthetically it didnt work for me after thinking about it, Today, it does though , so think of it as a re-print. :
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Boy meets Girl.
Boy and Girl fall in love.
Boy and Girl get married.
Boy and Girl make people together.
Boy and Girl fail to communicate effectively.
Boy and Girl get divorced.
Boy is sad.

The two words with the three letters.

So here I am :









That's me taking a photograph of myself. Kind of stoic looking? That's what I was going for, I hope you agree. Am I stoic in this photograph or not? Fuck it, I don't care if you think its angry or bitter, or whatever, ....its my interpretation of STOIC , and that's my story , and I am sticking to it. This is me being stoic.
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On Thursday June 19th, 2008 I was officially Divorced. I didn' t find out until today, June 20th. I knew when I was married, the exact second I was married, I found out I was divorced when my lawyer called me today at about two p.m. I was at a Staples, buying office supplies that I needed to do my job, which is a good thing. A good thing in the sense that the judge thinks very highly of my ability to earn money. That guy either wants to send me to jail for failing to meet my obligations or he thinks so highly of me that he knows I will meet and exceed any issues or problems that arise in reaching those numbers he has imposed. Here is an interpretation of me circa 2008:







That's right, Rabbit ear pants depicting brokenness.
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I loved the woman, and still do, Except I don't appreciate some stuff, but I wont go into it. She fucked up bad, so did I, we fucked up individually but together as a team. We got married and then we got divorced. In the sense that we had obligations to each other and we both failed in meeting them, we let each other down. Whatever, I am to blame ultimately, because I will not be a victim. Just suffice it to say that there are issues that I will not talk about on this blog. We have to raise our children together and the bitterness and the ugliness that is out there is useless to me. I am a beaten man, I have loved and then I ended up being a loser. My heart is broken now.






Forgive me while I bleed out. Except I cant afford to bleed out, Me dead is not good. I mean it would probably be better for me, but not better for my kids and ultimately they are mine. and they provide joy and hope to me, so I will work and I will struggle. I don't know everything I am going to do right now, but part of it, is to not fail in that aspect of it. I will do what I have to do, to the extent I am capable, until my heart goes out, hopefully it will not do so for a few years but I feel it breaking right now.






I know how it is and the description of having your teeth pulled by pliers through your ass is descriptive enough. That's about what it feels like, its both an acute pain in your face and a guttural grossness in your stomach ..... Thanks SCG for the description...

Sincerely, Divorced ass Bill
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P.S. I will be able to make my first payment that I owe, even though I will be dropping a couple of bills tonight on drinks and strippers... Fuck it ... FUCK THIS DIVORCE ASS BULLSHIT, but at the same time, I know what my torture is now, and when I was married the torture was always a surprise, month to month I never new what torture and betrayal I was going to have to deal with, so now "I do." so here is my tribute to the words "I do" two words, three letters. My recommendation, don't say them in front of a judge, or a notary, or a priest.

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Rick, thanks for linking me: http://www.southfloridadailyblog.blogspot.com/

The tailgate just before the last Zook Victory as the Gator Head Coach.

True story, I was once tailgating at an FSU/ U of F game and this guy walked up to our tailgate wearing one of those old cream-sicle orange Bucs jerseys with the number 17 on it. On the back was the name DeBerg. The guy looked very similar to Steve DeBerg as well. In fact he looked similar, because he was Steve DeBerg, wearing his old Bucs Jersey, crashing tailgate Parties. He made himself a burger and put so much mayonnaise on it that I got physically sick just watching it, then he bit down on it and mayo was all over his face and his Creamsicle Orange Bucs Jersey as well. Turns out both of his kids went to FSU, that was his connection with this game. They were both mortified by their dad at this party. It was Zooks last win that night as a Gator. Who wears their own Football Jersey after retiring from the NFL ? I mean other then DeBerg? - P.S. there is so much more to this story..... Just not telling it...

Rain

Never been to Seattle, ever. Gotta figure these last three days is what it would be like though, with all the rain. This is some mutant rain. This is rain with an attitude, rain that was raised by a crackhead mother who paid rent by dealing and hooking. Rain that has no morals, has no integrity, just nasty street thug, wiseguy , school skipping, trouble making, crack dealing rain.

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Look, I am a native Floridian so I know that bullshit we spread about Sunny Florida has a grain of lie within the piece of salt we try to rub on those Midwesterner's and Yankees cheeks. It will rain here all the time, especially during the summer, but its usually a sophisticated, conscientious, caring type of rain. A rain you can count on in the afternoons, A rain that calls home if its going to be out late. a considerate neighborly type of rain that you would not be ashamed to take home to your mother. These last three days I don't even know this type of rain. Its like I am a 75 year old grandmother and just now heard my granddaughter rain was living in sin. I am just shocked by the rain lately, and don't get me started on all the lightning. That's like those punk head Goth kids all of a sudden hanging out with your little angel children. Bad influence I tell you.

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Tomorrow is another day and another chance to run the treadmill.